I just wanted to share this you because I didn’t know where else to put it. I want people to know they are not alone in how they feel but for also me to know the same that there are others just Like Me.
This is me.
My anxiety and depression have robbed me of so many things in my life and a lot of the time stopped me from living it and to the point I feel that I am only existing.
It stops me from trying new things, going new places, meeting new people and even having a simple conversation with the people I know and care about.
They say your anxiety and depression doesn’t define who you are but to me it is all that I am. It’s what I wake up to most days and is what makes me to scared to fall asleep because I don’t want to be alone with my thoughts; it’s what stops me speaking to people, going outside and most of all it stops me from being the person I used to be the person who loved nothing more than to be around people having fun and enjoying the moment.
Some days I can’t even make it out the door because the thought of speaking to someone scares me more than anything.
If I do venture out and meet people what may feel like a simple conversation to others is the most worrying thing to me, I think “did I speak too much”
or, “Maybe not enough?”
“Was I boring?”
“Did I say something to offend them?”
“Do they even like me?”
“Are they judging me?”
This can replay in my head for days to the point I think what’s even the point going out?
Even as I write this I’m worried I have spelt something wrong or my punctuation isn’t up to scratch and that I’m just a idiot.
Some days I wake up and barely do anything but I’m exhausted because my mind and nerves are constant and most days I live in my nerves.
I feel sad for my boys that they have to live this with me but no matter how bad I feel I put my shit aside and try be the best mum I can on that day! Some days are filled with endless fun and others are a struggle just to get to bed time. But my god I am so blessed to have them and in a life where i am to scared to be anything more or to try and fail or even succeed I just know I got something right and that’s them.
Not all days are bad and there is always something good in everyday but sometime it’s hard to see the sun for the clouds.
I’m writing this because I need to let out all that’s in my head. I’m lying in bed unable to sleep and think maybe it will help me to just get it all off my chest.
Some may know I have these issues and I’m not one to speak very often about because a lot of the time I feel ashamed. But as I write this I think why should I be ashamed of something that’s been part of me for as long as I can remember.
I shouldn’t feel embarrassed, I fight every single day just to cope and to try and overcome my demons I fight a battle that no one else sees.
When I was a kid I used to pull my hair out because the pain of that was a 100 times better than the pain I had inside my mind and was the only thing that helped me cope with it. I remember my mum begging me to stop doing it and would ask my why I did it and In my 12 year old head I didn’t know why but all I knew was it made me feel better. My heart aches for any kid going through this now, I know how it feels i know how in some ways pulls your childhood from you, I know how scary it is to be a kid and wonder whats wrong with you and why do you feel like this and what is it.
My heart hurts thinking about all these things but my mind feels a lot lighter just writing it down. No one may ever read this but I know it’s helped me.
I may not ever beat this but I know
That I can stop letting it control me and every aspect of my life. I know this isn’t how my life is always going to be and I know that I will always work my ass off to get better and my anxiety and depression won’t define me and I will just be me again. ❤️
“I came from a good family and had a great childhood. When I was 12 I started to get involved with a different crowd of people. My best friend started to get involved in drugs and I started drinking. I never knew how to deal with all the feelings that was getting. Not just stress but hormones too. I started to cut myself when I didn’t know how to explain how I was feeling. It helped for a while but it was never a long term thing.
Because I thought it was helping I done it more and more, deeper and deeper. By the time I was 14 I was cutting everyday. I never cut my arms because I didn’t want people to see. Nobody knew what was secretly going on because I would always pretend I was fine and I didn’t want anyone to think that I was weird.
When I was 16 a couple of my friends died and by this point I had distanced myself from my childhood friend who was heavy on drugs. She overdosed not too long after. Luckily she survived. I don’t speak to her anymore but I still think of her everyday. The strain of her then lifestyle put a lot of stress on me because she was my best friend and I felt like there was nothing I could do. When she would say she had stopped she never so I finally had to make the decision to cut myself off from her. It was for my mental health I couldn’t take it anymore.
By the time I turned 18 I had lost around 6 people. I thought I had my emotions under control because I was still self harming. I was like a ticking time bomb waiting to explode. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety in 2009. I ended up taking 6 months off work because of it, which I don’t think was good for me. After I broke up with my boyfriend I was at the end. I couldn’t take anymore I started acting completely crazy didn’t know what was going on and them months are still a blur. I tried to slit my wrists when I was drunk and also drove away from my home to go drive my car into something that would kill me. Luckily my dad found me before I could go ahead with it.
I managed to sort myself out with the help of anti depressants and my friend and family.
I’m now 25 and I still get bad days and I do sometimes struggle. Even though I’ve now lost 16 people in 9 years but I haven’t let myself get to the same place I was before. I’ve not cut in 5 years or wanted to hurt myself. I’ve learnt it’s ok to talk about how I feel and express my emotions.”
“I would like to congratulate you on being strong and able to help people in their hour of need it could be the difference between life and death.
My story started 32 years ago, my twin brother committed suicide. We the family didn’t have a clue he was contemplating this,he had a good job in the bank everything or so we thought a 21 year old would want but obviously not. We never found out the why or reason which haunts all of us individually everyday. What was worse was he planned it sorted all his belongings without us knowing,he must have been so strong in one way but needed help.
And only a week passed I was at the funeral of my sons friend aged 21 year old male, on the outside like a ray of sunshine nobody new either same old why! Only he knows the reason.
They are oblivious of the love and devastation it leaves behind.
Godbless you all there is light at the end of the tunnel please use this service it’s invaluable”